The Breast of Humanity

2008-09-23T22:51:00.001-05:00

I am dizzy...

Birthday musing

2008-07-09T01:24:00.002-05:00

Today I turn 27. Thinking about this birthday has been particularly difficult for some odd reason that I cannot name. The idea of being three years away from thirty is quite... hmm... frightening, daunting, depressing? I'm not quite sure which word describes it best. My good friend, A, reminded me tonight that she is seven years older than me. Interesting that I have never seen her as being particularly older or younger than me, but simply as a contemporary. I have always viewed us as simply travelling the road together, not as her being beyond me or me beyond her. I must say that I am so happy that I do have the friends that I have, they make the journey worth while.

2008-06-19T15:30:00.002-05:00

I was going to post today, but nothing I have written makes any sense.

Like a hatchet to the face...

2008-03-06T13:41:00.002-06:00

"It's totally preposterous to think that we insignificant humans (compared to the total of God's Creation) could have any impact whatsoever on what God has set into motion. It goes further to show just how arrogant we have become. We will never be able to grasp the vastness and intelligence of God's Creation with our feeble human minds. No matter how much proselytizing the alarmists continue to promote, their theories will always fall "flat" due to the simple fact that they have taken God out of the equation."
This is from one of my friend's recent-ish journal postings. It hits me, rather personally, square between the eyes like a hatchet.

2008-01-12T23:37:00.001-06:00

So tonight I managed to stab myself in the lip with my pliers while making a chain for my cell phone. That is what I call talent.

2007-11-22T22:22:00.001-06:00

And the world continues to turn even though I have not posted in a while. The past month and a half have been, to say the least, eventful. Many sad things have occurred and we are working through it, not getting over it. I have once again become a hermit unto myself and I am trying to break myself out of that. You know sometimes there are lots of things that seem to all be working together to pull you down to try to break you to the deepest levels and leave you a writhing, wretched mess on the floor. Surprisingly, I haven't yet been that, although I have wanted to be. Sometimes wallowing in your self-pity is one of the worst and at the same time best things for you to do. That is if you want to shut everyone out and build up those walls that you have tried so hard to tear down. I feel it slowly creeping in though. The need to be appreciated, the need of approval. Why do I continually think that this life is all about me?

a response

2007-10-15T16:20:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when you take the time to think about something you cannot deny it is true. Sometimes also you realise that you are a one point in your life where you really crave having relationships with people who have built up walls so high and so thick that there is no chance of breaking through even if you knew how. Life is too short to go through it with no one who really knows you. People have so much to offer, but in this age of "I want it right now and I want it to feel good and make me happy", being vulnerable and getting to know someone is next to impossible if both parties are not open and brutally honest. Brutally honest in this point not meaning being rude because there is some inconsequentiality that you dislike, but by sharing your whole heart, the mushy gross chewed up gum of your lives that everyone wants to hide away. And then there is the other side of it, with it being easier to be open and honest with the people you choose and not the people that life has chosen for you. I am open to anything.

And the whole world doesn't read this blog, just the people who want to get to know me or know me and all of my struggles already.

Can't sleep...

2007-10-08T03:09:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to sleep tonight so maybe clearing my brain will help. Right now I am rolling alot of things around that I can't seem to get over. I keep giving them to God, but then immediately taking them back. Maybe processing them here will help me out.
I feel like if you pretend something didn't happen it will come back and get you later. If you have had an issue with someone or someone with you, and you just sweep it under the rug eventually there is going to be a big elephant sized lump under your rug. Instead of not thinking about it, you should make every effort to make yourself understood or to try to understand where the other person is coming from. I don't understand why people cannot be honest with the people they love. And honestly, if you feel like you are a Christian, aren't you called to love everyone? Why do we make up stories in order to feel less pressure? If we messed something up, or know something that would help someone else out, just admit to it. Is it so difficult for us to let go of our own personal image to attempt to follow in Christ's footsteps? I suppose what I am trying to say is why do we feel like we have to protect ourselves from everyone? I know I am guilty of this. But I so desire to live out loud. I crave relationships that mean something. My family has a nasty habit of being shallow. We have fabulous conversations about the weather and the condition of the yard and how all of the kids are doing, but there is no deeper level. I want to feel like a family, not co-workers. I crave deep intimacy with those I love the most, but when you have been doing something for so long in one way it is so very difficult to change the way you are doing it. Why have we always protected ourselves? Why did we always put that wall up? And if we claim to be "Christ followers" how can we follow Him without putting ourselves out there? Vulnerability is next to impossible to do around people who have walls up.
For so long, I have thought that by forming deep and personal relationships I will have people who can help me through life. By studying and sharing with other believers I will be able to follow Christ better. Yesterday, Pastor Jamie spoke on servant hood, if you can summarize all that he said into one word, that is. This isn't something that I had put much thought into. Over and over again it is talked about in the scriptures. Why didn't I ever see it? We have to serve. It is part of what God wants for us. If this were a perfect world, and everyone of us loved as genuinely as we are called to, wouldn't we crave the life of a servant? When RC says I really like this food or doing this makes me happy, I want to make that food or do those things for him. I love him so much and want to show him in whatever meager daily ways that I do. I want to serve him simply to show him that I love him. When the little man isn't listening to me or is disobeying me, I have to correct him and generally punish him as well for doing something he isn't supposed to be doing. I want him to show me he loves me by obeying the rules we have set up for our home. Aren't those ways of serving? Yes, but there is also, you know, an entire world out there that we have been called to love. We have confined our lives to a tiny little box for ease of convenience. God wants me to show Him that I love Him by obeying His commands, not because He is some tyrannical deity who has lost touch with humanity, or even because He is a neglectful father figure who simply doesn't care how He treats others so long as they do everything that pleases Him and laughs as He causes misfortune among the masses. He loves me like a bride. He cherishes my heart as His own. Just as I want RC to delight in the things I do for him, I want God to delight in the things I try (and often fail) doing for Him. Just as I want the mini-man to listen to me and obey our rules because I love him and I want to see him obey because he loves me and shows it by listening to me, God wants the exact same thing from me, from everyone who calls them self a follower of Christ. So often this is lost. Yes, God will love me no matter what I do to screw it up. I would like to pretend also that I am fully capable of doing all these fabulous things, you know the whole listening and showing love and obeying, but I have to be honest, I screw things up simply because I am human. God gave us our free will so we could fall in love with Him without being forced to. He wants that more than anything. But just as you have to put effort into your marriage, into your parenting, into all relationships in your life, you have to put forth the effort to follow Him.

The amazing missing me...

2007-10-04T16:12:00.000-05:00

I don't know if any of you have noticed but there has been an extreme lack of "me" talk. Considering that this is my blog and I created it for the purpose of, well, to be perfectly honest, I was bending to the persuasion of the masses, but I would like to think that it was formed to be an outlet for my personal thoughts. Granted the first posts that I made here were about how annoyed I was with a ten month old who didn't want to eat, I would like to think that I have grown a certain amount since then, and can share more about my personal life than the eating habits of my children. In talking about yourself you gain amazing perspective on how other people view you. In my small group (I am not calling it a village), we have had the recent assignment of telling our own stories, individually not as couples seeing as the group consists of four couples. The purpose of this exercise is to be able to know each other better. RC had first go last Wednesday. My turn was last night. I had somewhat prepared (by printing out the two emails in which I talked about my past in any great detail). I was terrified to do this. Everyone said last night that I did really well, but my face felt like it was on fire the whole time. I don't regret anything that has happened in my life, because that is just a waste of time. Instead, I have tried to learn from all of the good and the bad that has occurred. If any one of the things that has happened in my life did not occur I would not be the person I am today. Granted I am no example of how to live a perfect life, I have just been pondering change and how it is applicable in every one's lives. One of the things that struck me as a youth (a senior in high school to be exact), I had just been voted most unique in my class. When I came home to tell my family, my second oldest sister said "Yeah, you're unique, just like everyone else on this earth." All of us are unique. All of us have travelled different roads and are in different places in our personal journeys. But the best thing about this journey of mine is that I am not alone.

Update-ish

2007-09-25T21:59:00.000-05:00

I forgot in my last update post that the little lady had four teeth, but since then she has popped out four more. She can also sign more, milk, and all done. She still says uh-oh as well. And since her big brother and cousin are such good teachers she also roars as fiercely as the mighty T-Rex. woo hoo (lower case on purpose)
The big man's teach, Miss M, says he is already making progress. He has only had three days of school. I have been trying to work with him at home alot though. Now, that I know how to help it is much easier.
I also left my personal stuff for later on purpose. Mainly because I have no idea who I am anymore. I thought I was getting a glimmer of me for a little while, but then the mask came back up. The cynicism is back. The sarcasm, it runs rampant. What is this cycle? Why can I not be real all the time, with everyone. Oh, I am honest and all that, I just feel like I am trying to do way too much image management. I just want to be me, but right now I am not certain which facet is true.

PPD

2007-09-25T21:56:00.000-05:00

From my favorite blog: a really good description of becoming a mommy. Rather like she crawled into my head and been poking around a bit too much.

Life right now...

2007-09-18T14:33:00.001-05:00

Almost a month since my last post and what a month it has been.
We finally had a meeting yesterday with the speech therapist to decide whether or not the man would qualify for speech therapy. (This post may refresh your memory as to why we are doing that. It is toward the end of it.) He had his first day of school today! Well, it isn't really school, but he goes to a school for a half an hour and will every Tuesday and Thursday for a year. Yay! When I remember to re-read the paper work I can give more detail on exactly what they are doing.
The little lady walks with great proficiency now. She just up and started two weeks ago and nothing holds her back now. Well, other than her current inability to stand up without pulling up on something. It seemed like she just suddenly found her balance. Like she would stand there playing with something with out holding onto anything but the moment she realised someone knew her secret she sat down. Like the man went through a long time of standing up walking three steps and falling down and repeating the process over and over. But the little lady was nothing like that. She turns, stops and even dances with the grace of a swan on a lake. Well, I exaggerate small bit. But she is really good already.
As for me...

hmmm...

2007-08-28T23:06:00.000-05:00

Something I have discovered tonight is that men are completely unreliable. For that matter so are women. Humans as a whole are completely unreliable. It is our most devine flaw in our gift of free will. That it is impossible for us to be perfect causes us to be so uncomfortable with the fact that we cannot begin to fathom why it is we were given free will in the first place. Isn't it wonderful that we are all different and can have different thoughts and different roads to travel that lead us to those thoughts. Our most amazing blessing and curse rolled into one: free will.

Locked up

2007-08-28T14:42:00.001-05:00

I am so sick of being sick. It seems like I haven't been to small group in ages, much less been around any of my friends in any sort of enivironment conducive to conversation (since you can't really chat in zumba). I crave fellowship. I have been locked in my own little box, granted for causes outside of my control for the most part, for so long that I really need some time with friends. I feel imprisoned.

Sqaushed Digits and Mucal Floods

2007-08-27T21:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday RC had just picked up the little lady to take her to the kitchen for dinner. She was sitting behind some chairs that we have in the living room, we have all of the kid's toys stashed behind them. There is a small walking space between the two chairs and RC did not see, but the mini-man was on the ground right between the two chairs. When RC took his first step to head out of the bottle neck, he stepped right on the little man's hand. Much crying ensued. His finger was swollen and beginning to have a slightly purple tinge to it within minutes. After a while past he was acting pretty normal, just being very tender with that finger. Like if he had to pick something up he wouldn't grip it with that finger, he just sort of held it out. He wasn't whining overly-much and he was bending it in instances where he didn't have to grip something tightly, like his blanket. I gave him some tylenol last night, and this morning we went to the doctor's office. She checked him out and decided that with how swollen and purple it was it should be x-rayed. So after playing with a very cool toy in the imaging waiting room, we went back to a room with lots of big machines and my baby boy had his first x-ray. The result: not broken, just nicely squashed.
In other news: We are sick again. X-man, sweet Phoe and myself all have small irritating colds. The only reason I say that the little lady's is small is because she is small. Her cold seems to be an affliction of mass proprtions trying to break out of her body in floods of goo from her nose, eyes and mouth. She didn't even take a nap today because when she would lay down she just couldn't breathe. We ended up taking a ride to get her to sleep tonight, and then she woke up about forty-five minutes after I laid her down because she couldn't find her pacifier (or poppy as her big brother likes to call it).
Speaking of my little man, he had a speech assessment on Wednesday last. I am supposed to recieve a call early this week to set up an appointment to review the findings from the testing. I am so anxious about this. He has gotten much better at talking lately, so much so that I am afraid he won't be able to get into speech therapy. I would be so happy if I could let him go at his pace to learn things, but the school boards of America simply won't allow that. And if he stays at the rate he is going there is no way he would understand school as a whole by the time he is supposed to start according to school board rules. And you know how cruel other children can be to someone who is held back. I am having trouble with the thing as a whole. But again, the whole issue is probably my fault since I am not a particularly talkative person.

Advancing languages

2007-08-21T20:49:00.000-05:00

Today I was peeling an apple to give to the mini-man and he said to me this exact phrase- "Oh come on, momma, hurry up". WHAT!? He chuckled at his cleverness and I was absolutely flabbergasted. This little person who has only just figured out talking in pseudo-sentences and he already knows sarcasm? Well, I suppose that would be my fault (ya think?). He also said crap for the first time. Again, my fault. I suppose I should leave off those words if I don't want to hear them. Tomorrow he has an appointment with a speech therapist (great, my kid is only three and already headed to therapy). I am so excited. I am really hoping that we can get him (free county school board provided) speech therapy and help to actually be able to communicate better with the kids his age.

The bug ran rampant

2007-08-17T09:01:00.000-05:00

It seems there has been a bit of a bug running around the community lately. A tummy bug that involves puking and pooping. The little man and lady both experienced it over this past weekend, my zumba instructor also got it, and Amy's kiddos came down with it as well. Now it appears it may have been passed along to my nephew. I have been watching him for the last two weeks. X-man had a pukey day this past Monday and the previous Monday, after going through the first one I didn't take CBS the following day for fear of X going through it again the next day. But when he went he had a second pukey Monday, I had an agenda, and whenever that happens, I make it work. I didn't particularly think about the fact that the little lady's bug manifested in a different manner than the little man's, so I didn't really think about having my sister not bring him while P went through it or the second time that X did. He isn't quite acting the way that P and X did. P was pooing overly much, and X was barfing. But my man only did it for one full day, and the lady did it for three full days. Now my nephew has been doing it off and on for several days. With X he just couldn't keep anything down all day. And with P she just couldn't make solid poo for three days straight. But with CBS it has been very sporadic puking. And I lost my train of thought...

Growing up

2007-08-10T07:49:00.000-05:00

The little lady took a couple of steps two nights ago. The little man is talking more and more. RC is reading for the pleasure of reading. Just a few developmental milestones I wanted to post about.
And I have a cold. But that doesn't have anything to do with growing up. I just have a miserably full head.

Imperfect

2007-08-08T14:58:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking alot about the human condition. You know... the whole being imperfect thing. I wish I had been journaling it as I have been thinking, but I didn't. Fascinating, really.

Late

2007-07-31T20:55:00.000-05:00

Feeling lousy. Kind of down. I think it is because RC was supposed to get off of work at three and he still isn't home. But never fear, I went to the library and got some books to read to keep me company. Eh, it's just not the same...

Falling things

2007-07-31T14:30:00.000-05:00

Imagine this, I forgot something in that last post that I jotted down quickly so that I wouldn't forget anything. Go figure.
Yesterday, at the grocery store the darling little angel that my daughter is pulled down a stack of glass pie dishes and shattered three of them. I probably could have cried if there hadn't been people around to see. But since the little man started crying as if he had been mortally wounded by a falling pie dish, the entire store's staff showed up to make sure everything was alright. Good store. But bad for me. All these people kept showing up and the wheels of the shopping cart were clogged with pyrex glass so all I could do was stand there helplessly trying to keep X-man calm and attempt to shove pieces of glass out of the way with the toe of my sneaker.
Mortifying isn't quite a good enough adective.

Things I am thinking about

2007-07-30T21:56:00.000-05:00

A quick note before I forget these things on my mind...
Yesterday, the mini-man spoke in a complete sentence for the first time. He said "Momma, will you help me, please?" I laughed and hugged him and said of course.
The little lady cut a tooth on Sunday.
I lost my balance yesterdy while standing outside and banged my right butt cheek on the hose keeper and now it hurts to sit and other stuff.
Tonight Sunny used the wrong song for my favorite dance, she said that they changed it in last Thursday's night class. I was ticked and it threw off my whole workout, until we did it the way I preferred it at the end.
The music industry ticks me off.
I made chili mac for dinner tonight and it was gooooooood. I didn't get to eat any until after zumba though, since I finished it too late. But I left it out for RC because he was going to be getting home shortly after I left for the class. But he waited until I got home to have any.

A few things, ending with Barf

2007-07-25T14:49:00.000-05:00

First off, I was just taking a nap. I was having a dream about who knows what. But the reason I woke up is because I was looking at this scene of rolling hills and a crow was sitting on a hill. It turned it head and looked at me and opened it's mouth to caw, except it wasn't a caw that came out of it's mouth. It was an unearthly screeching, which caused me to instantly awake and realise that some body in the neighborhood is setting off the last of their fireworks. Interesting...
Another thing, I love the new dance in zumba.
Last thing: In yoga this morning Stefann was subbing again. I love how she lays it all out and goes slowly and does everything so that you can actually get something out of the pose instead of rushing on to try to fit in lots of poses that you can't really get into. At the end of every class, in the relaxation time she leads us through a visualisation. The first time she did this I actually cried, but I am not telling you what she made us visualise that day. ;p Today there were only three ladies in the class and at the end she told us she wanted us to visualise the color pink. I just so happened to paint my nails last night, both hands in one night, it was quite an acheivement for me. So, anyway, I already had this particular shade of pink on my mind. If I could chose what color my skin was, it would be this color, but then I would have to have hair like Trance. Back to the story... She told us to think of pink. Pick out a shade of it, maybe a soft rose shade maybe hot pink. To try to visualise it in our heads instead of just the darkness behind our eyes. Then she said something that I didn't expect. She said if your particular shade of pink had a temperature what would it be. The first thing that popped into my head was a nice warm hug. My pink is precisely the temperature of being in RC's arms. Then she went on, what is the texture of your shade of pink, is it soft is it firm, how does it feel? The first thing that came to mind was RC's lips. My pink is as soft as a kiss from my lover. Needless to say, I left yoga with a happy feeling.
Now, everyone can barf and not tell me what a sap I am. I already know.

Bird on Ice

2007-07-24T15:59:00.000-05:00

So, a lot of people probably think I am a dork for this, but I read birding magazines. I enjoy birding almost as much as I enjoy a good espresso, which is a bunch. I have especially enjoyed the stories that people mail in about their birding experiences. You know like in teen magazines they have embarassing stories about how they walked into clas with a tampon stuck to their shoe or in RC's geek magazines they have stories about how they fragged someone or pimped their rig (that is their computer). Anyway, you get the idea. I love hearing about exciting close encounters with birds. I have always wanted a story for myself. I have especially wanted the kind where someone helps out a bird and it comes back to say "thanks". Like the story about the woman who helped a wren get out of her house and it came back and landed on her shoulder "as if it were trying to say tahanks". There are so many of those stories, it some times makes me wonder how much of it is fiction. Sometimes there are photos accompanying these cute stories. But once again the sceptic in me wants more proof. Yesterday we had a very bad storm pass through. It started pretty suddenly. We were outside playing in the pool and the temperature dropped, not a dramatic drop like in The Sixth Sense, but enough of a drop to let you know that it is raining somewhere nearby. I went ahead and brought the little man inside. By the time I had gotten him dried off and put clothes on him it had started to sprinkle. I started some popcorn because I was a tad munchy. The rain got steadily harder and since it was coming in from the North East it started leaking in the back of the house into the kitchen. The popcorn forgotten, we dashed about madly trying to keep it from going everywhere. The bug man showed up to spray. And by that time it was coming down really good. Within a matter of ten minutes or so it was hailing sporadically. As hail so often goes, it was soon coming down quite hard. The little man was a little bit scared because of the banging noise it made when it hit the windows. It got to be about quarter sized and then just as suddenly as it had started it began to slack off. This was all within about an hour. Since the wind had blown stuff around and knocked some things over, I ran out to do a damage assesment. I was also taking pictures to document this catastrophic event to send to my dad, since he is out of town. In the last picture of the set that I took, I noticed a small thing on the ground. It was a sparrow laying in a puddle of hail and freezing water with it's head up in the air to keep from drowning. I ran inside and put my camera down and ran back outside to grab the bird. It never moved except to shiver more violently than it already was. I wrapped it in an old rag of a dish cloth and put it into a butter dish and took it back outside so that when it came to it wouldn't be fluttering all around in the house and break it's silly neck trying to fly through a window. I set it down in a pretty well protected area so that the rain that was still coming down wouldn't get it more wet than it already was. I must say that running around in a slick hail covered yard in bare feet isn't a good idea. My feet were frozen by then so I came back inside to warm up and to email some pictures. So the reason for me telling you those two seemingly unrelated things is because I must say I am a tad disappointed. I haven't been thanked by that ungrateful bird for saving it's miserable life. If it were my dad he probably would have just stepped on it, because he hates sparrows. And the moral of the story is: Don't believe everything that you read, or: don't expect birds to say thank you.

Qtpi

2007-07-23T21:23:00.000-05:00

One of my friends who I really enjoyed in school for all of her humor and kindness now has her own blog. I have added her to my side bar for ease of perusal.

Updates and venting

2007-07-16T22:01:00.000-05:00

I noticed it has been quite some time since I have blogged. The little lady has started crawling since I last posted. She used to just get around by scooting on her behind but now she has realized that it is much faster to use all four limbs to propel herself rapidly toward things I don't want her in. She will say "uh-oh" but not mama or dada. She loves to play peek-a-boo. And she still dances whenever she hears music. Fortunately, I have video footage of her dancing. Unfortunately, I do not have footage of her scooting on her behind. Her newest favorite toy is a teapot and fork/spoon/knife (plastic, don't worry)/whatever stick like utensil she can put in the pot stir around and pretend she is eating from the pot, since eating is her favorite pasttime. This recalls to me how the little man used to love to make soup in whatever bowl/pot like thing he could find. I think that his vocabulary has expanded by leaps and bounds since the last time I posted an update. He repeats almost everything I say. At times I suppose this could get annoying to someone watching it happen, but I love it. Seeing him finally get the idea of speaking to communicate is so wonderful to me, and if it takes a few months of repeating everything I say for him to finally speak in sentences I am all for it.

Last week RC worked a whooping total of ninety seven and a half hours. Granted, if you do the math that makes ten hours a day that he wasn't working. However, it wasn't spread nice and evenly like that. Perhaps if it had been I would have gotten to see him more that just on Sunday during church and on Monday when we had dinner with some friends for my birthday.This may sound like a good thing, but really it isn't. It may help us along toward our ultimate goal of being debt-free and in a home of our own, but it really does nothing for our relationship. I am so angry and frustrated at him not being here. I know it isn't his fault, but he is the only person who I can talk to about it because he is the only one who knows all the details and talks to me. So when he is telling me about how ignorant the people who he works for are I can't help but respond aggressively because stupidity is a big thing that I am against. And although I am simply responding to what he is telling me it appears that I am being angry at RC when really I am not. I am just so annoyed with his place of employment. So, for you business minded people out there, here is a little hypothetical business question for you:
Say you have a company that is about four years old. When you started this company you purchased used/old equipment "to save money" to start out with. Say four years down the road this used/old equipment is getting really old/outdated. This really old/outdated equipment has begun to crash at least once a week. Now you have to spend bucoudles of money for the tech team to come in and spend lots of man hours and over time to fix said really old/outdated equipment.
What would you do now that you own a multi billion dollar company?
a.) Purchase new top of the line equipment
b.) Purchase old equipment that is newer that your really old/outdated equiptment but still somewhat shoddy
c.) Purchase the lowest end stuff you can find and hope it holds up to your weekly network crashes because you want to save money
If you are the company that RC works for the answer is c. Not too smart, huh?
So, for now, because of the ineptitude of this companies heads of staff, I am husbandless until further notice.

just plain dumb

2007-06-29T16:37:00.000-05:00

It amazes me how ignorant some people can be. Or perhaps ignorant isn't the correct word.. well, yeah it is.

Impasse

2007-06-22T07:17:00.001-05:00

I am having troubles with something right now. We are told to pray with confidence and at the same time to come to God with humility. I am having great difficulties in not being too full of myself. I pray as if my prayers have already been answered, and I have great faith that if it is His will, they will be. But I am having lots of trouble with the humbling part. I am finding myself at an impasse. How can I be confident and humble all at once?

Guilt

2007-06-12T21:30:00.000-05:00

I read a good quote today.
"The people who cast the most blame, carry the most guilt." - Unknown

The update post: 3 1/2 and 1

2007-06-12T14:36:00.000-05:00

So the little man does lots of things now, says lots of things now, and is becoming a pretty neat kid, when he isn't having a tantrum. Tantrums are a some what recent development, which is good that it took this long, but bad (for his behind). Since we have been telling him not to say "no" to us he is saying it much less, but now he has replaced it with a great big violent roar. So, now he gets spanked for roaring as well, unless he is playing with his dinosaurs when he does it because then it is just play and not back talking. He is still big on dinosaurs, trains and now has added Nemo to his list of favorites. He is getting very good at recognizing and pointing out opposites: dark and bright, full and empty, in and out, new and old, up and down, and up and out. The last one is how he describes sleep now. You are no longer night-night, you are out. And when you are not out, you are up. I suppose he gets that from when we ask him if he wants to get up. He connected out to being asleep just sometime last week. Whenever RC and I see if the lady is sleeping in the truck, we ask if she is out. So he connected that night-night and out are the same thing thus negating the neccesity to say a repetitve syllable and adding a new level of difficulty in understanding his language. He now says just about anything that possbly needs saying, as far as nouns are concerned. He has many "buh" and "bih" words that all sound relatively the same: bird, bug, ball, big, bump, bite, etc. He likes to point out what everyone is doing. Like the other day in Target. "Mama, poo-poo. Poo-poo, mama." Generally he also likes to add a sort of surprised or exasperated "uh" sound at the beginning of his phrases to denote his disdain or excitment over something: "Uh, baby, out." "Uh, bug bite." "Uh, fall, head bump." He only strings together two or three words for the most part, and doesn't use sentences at all. He does try out a new word every day. I should really start writing them down or something. He doesn't use his exasperated "uh" while pointing at something for you to figure out what it is he is talking about thing so much anymore. He knows many of the names of the food that we eat. Mainly pizza, chicken, fries and hot dog, since that is the majority of what we eat. The four major food groups, right? He will get out his own plate or bowl and utensil and name them as he gets them. He will tell you what he wants to eat, although he gets whatever we give him no matter what he demands. He will put his plate/bowl and utensil in the sink when he is finished eating. He goes to the bathroom without asking. He does all bathroom things on his own, with the exception being when he doesn't quite feel fresh enough, and then he will ask for a wipe. He builds towers with bocks and knocks them down. He drives cars on his sister's head. He likes to help me cook, in the rare events that I do. And when it is something like hot dogs, he likes to stand on the stool to offer his supervision and sometimes a comforting hug when the water appears to be getting hot. He is revealing such a sweet/devious nature. He will occasionally keep his head bowed now when we pray, instead of just standing there laughing. That is all I can think of right now. I'll continue this one later.

Random Y thoughts

2007-06-12T13:50:00.000-05:00

The week before last one of my girlfriends who goes to the Y with me was on vacation at the happiest place on the planet. And because I wouldn't have anyone with me, since L was feeling under the weather, (and secretly because I wouldn't have anyone to know that I wasn't doing it) I didn't go to the Y at all that week. Last week, I went on Monday and Tuesday but from then on I had issues with my guts so I didn't want to go to the Y because I was feeling crummy. This week, so far, I skipped going yesterday because I had to call the doctor, and that would take all day, obviously. So I finally went back today, and I can tell I took much too long off. So I am really going to start conditioning myself again to go more often. I don't just want to go for a class either, I really want to learn the machines and find my "gym niche", figure out what works best for me and stick with some sort of plan. RC has a plan, but he took two or three weeks off from it as well, but for a much better reason than me. He ran out of asthma meds and so, you know, we didn't really want him to die while working out. But he is getting back on the metaphorical horse. I don't want being healthy and active to be a phase that we are just going through. I really want to be able to help the little man out when he needs a practice partner for ballroom dancing and when the little lady needs a dummy to whack with bamboo sticks for kendo. I am just giving examples, I am not planning their future, although it would be really neat to have either one of them on Dancing with the Stars. And now I have completely lost my train of thought. I meant to just go back to where Iwould have posted the little X man's one year check up info here in my blog but I read like five months worth of blog just because I couldn't seem to stop myself. I wanted to check it to compare it with the ladies' info. She had her one year check up today. She is twenty pounds and one ounce and twenty nine and a half inches long. Now why I did not post X man's info I have no idea. What a disappointment I am. I sheduled the appointment, unintentionally, leaving time for me to attend my second favorite yoga class. I was actually on time for it, for the first time. I think the main thing I like is Lisa's calm non-judging voice. It is so smooth and soothing. She also does a routine that flows very well, instead of one seventy two year old instructor that likes to do more talking that yoga. I am really thinking that Carolyn should be ousted and Sunny should replace her, and add a Zumba class in the morning before her yoga class too. That would be magnificent. She has already said that she didn't want to do a morning class though, so that plan wouldn't work. Sunny did sub for Carolyn one time when she was out though, and she did a great job. It was actually the first time I ever tried the Friday yoga class. Well, this has become a meaningless post about nothing.

POTC Spoilers read with caution

2007-06-07T16:20:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday, after laying the kiddos down RC and I high tailed it to the theater and viewed Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End. I don't know whether I am more disappointed in it not ending or in the death of Will. Being a ridiculously sappy romantic person I was very disappointed with the idea of not being able stay side by side for the next ten years. It seemed like a bit of a let down. And the kid. Hmm.. don't quite know what to say about that part yet. The whole thing with the movie not ending, I suppose I understand from a business perspective. Because If you give the people a taste of what the next one will be like then you draw more crowds right? And that means better profits. Blah blah blah. I am becoming somewhat more than disenchanted with the idea of POTC as a corporate entity. I must say though, in my eyes the best part of the whole movie was the "say it like a lover..." part. I melted, but then again RC can melt me with just a look. So I guess that makes me a huge dork.

Lost and Found: Blankets and Goats

2007-05-31T19:30:00.000-05:00

RC and I just spent a frantic ten minutes looking for the little man's favorite thing ever, his blanket. I finally yelled at RC to leave to go get dinner (since the car was sitting in the driveway running with the little lady inside) and I would figure out where the cursed object was. It took me (partially) folding a pile of clean laundry that I hadn't done yet, and much looking through cabinets and other things that have closable orifices, such as refrigerators and ovens and dish washers, before I finally realized that when RC checked the front porch he just walked around to the front of the house. So I decided to look at it again, just in case. It had been closed inbetween the front door and it's outer storm door. This was completely my fault. {For all of you men out there who have wives just like me that are for the most part right all of the time, I will repeat my self so that you can savor the moment, but only this one time.} This was completely my fault. And oh, so, preventable. You see, our front dooris directly across from our stairs. In fact, when the front door is opened to a ninety degree angle, it hits the stairs and completely blocks the view into the living room from the dining room. So when the little man awoke from his nap, we went out to pick up the sprinkler from the front yard through the front door. We then took it directly around the side of the house to the place in the back where all things hose related are kept and thus skipped the front door completely. When we re-entered the house and got ready to go clean up, I came around through the dining room to close the front door. I had no idea that he had unwittingly left the so coveted item there in the space between.
Now on to the goats...
While the kids were napping today, I recieved a phone call from my sister. I almost always go outside to talk on the phone if the kids are napping because I don't want to risk waking them and thus lose my holy and pure alone time. So, I went outside. While wandering around the back yard dead heading flowers and moving the sprinkler around, I talked to my sister. I happened to look up the way (that is to say that I looked north across the one yard next to us that hasn't got a fence). What did I see? Why five little billy goats, of course (well, actually I think only four of them were billy goats). What else would be there in the middle of a neighborhood that has no farms nearby? They were standing behind a house that was just sold, eating a cardboard box. What else would a ruralised billy goat herd eat? So after I finished on the phone I noticed that there were odd twigs sticking out from the trunk of a mimosa out back (they were caused by a pseudo-recent freeze), so I got out the pruning shears and went to work. These odd looking twigs go all the way up the trunk and out onto all of the limbs. So to reach up as high as I could, I kicked my shoes off and started climbing up the tree, trimming as I went. A nicely dressed gentleman then approached me, when I couldn't have possibly looked any more redneck (unless I had been eight months pregnant smoking a cigarette with a Lynard Skynard shirt on), okay, so I could have looked alot more redneck, and actually, ok, so maybe I really do appear to be rather redneck sometimes. So anyway, this nicely dressed gentleman approaches while I am barefoot ten feet off of the ground trimming twigs off of a tree while standing in said tree. Herd of goats in tow. "Do you have any idea whose goats these are?" Of course, I have never even seen goats around here before. We had friendly banter for a moment or two until Buddy noticed that there were these odd horned creatures coming toward his territory. I guess it is just an instinct that all dogs have, since he was never trained, he began herding. It is amazing that an untrained dog with only three legs can herd as well as he did. The house that the goats were originally demolishing the cardboard box at has a fence around all of the back yard except the driveway. The garage is on the back of the house, so the driveway goes up the side and has a parking lot large enough for three dualies to park side by side. The fence cuts around the edge of this parking lot, creating a sort of corral. Buddy, being the amazing non-trained herding dog that he is, with only three legs (did I mention?) herded them straight back over to this area, after chasing them all over the yard that is between ours and the one with the "corral". This all the while I was speaking with the new next to the next door neighbor. He and his wife are approximately the same age as my parents if not a tad older. So, once the goats are re-corraled, we have finished talking and he goes back over there to chase them out of the driveway-corral. So, within moments they spot me and start toward me. They nibble briefly on the mimosa twigs that are still laying on the ground, then they start in of the buffet table lining the edge of the property, also know as the hedge comprised of mock orange and rose of sharon (which had a very brief blooming period this year due to the freeze that caused the odd twigs on the trees). They started toward the clematis, cleome and jasmine next but Buddy noticed they were back and started chasing themm again. They went to the currently un-lived in house next door which no longer has a for sale sign in the yard which leads me to believe it is no longer on the market. Back to the story. They munched along the little row of shrubs in the front of the un-lived in house. A very unappitizing option apparently because they were back in the front yard in no time at all. The primrose, poppies and rhododendron bush got most of their attention. Unfortunately for mom and me. The damage isn't really all that noticeable though, if you have never seen that particular garden before. I finally got hold of animal control, and since I said that they kept going across the road they said they would get an officer out there right away. I keep trying to chase them off, running at them waving my arms in the air yelling "getgetgetgetgetgetgetget". It didn't particularly work other than to put their attention back on the shrubs that I wasn't yelling at them for eating, those being the ones next door. Te new next to the next door neighbor came back and parked in the currently un-lived in house's driveway, to try to block the goats view of my yard I suppose. While they were sitting there I decided to pull out the hose to water all of the plants in the front yard. Another man, actually two men, pulled up in a pick up truck and asked all three (the new next to the next door neighbors) of us if we wanted to purchase some goats. Small chuckles. It was at that point that I told them my dad had told me to "rope 'em so's we cun hev a goat roast ev'ry day next week". More small chuckles, with added wierd looks. Turns out theses men know the man that owns the goats simply because they escaped into their yard once. They happened to be driving by and noticed them and figured they would herd them back to their owner's residence, oh yes, it is just right back here in this neighbor hood behind my home. Huh, who would've thought? Goats, in my neighborhood? So they chase them back that way, I call animal control again and tell them they don't have to send someone out after all and that was that. What a very exciting day I had. And to put the cherry on top of this exciting sundae of a day, the goats caused me to have to protect the flowers and so I didn't get the kids up in time to have them ready so I could get to Zumba at seven. Rotters.

A riddle

2007-05-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was thinking of the seat that I sit on and realized that doing what I am doing won't do anything for me. You see?

Croc Hunter lives on...

2007-05-29T14:34:00.000-05:00

I am such a silly girl. I don't mean funny with the occasional tendency to giggle. I mean ridiculously sappy with the tendency to cry like an idiot over the smallest thing. Today the "non-working" portion of the family went to the library. The little man loves dinosaurs, so unthinkingly, I grabbed a Croc Hunter video to occupy him for a little while. Bad. Idea. Throughout the forty or so minutes that I spent watching it, I bawled my eyes out. I loved watching Steve Irwin on TV (before we no longer had cable), and when I saw the news bulletin about him dying, I cried. Don't you think that would give me some inkling as to how I would react if I saw him again? It isn't because I was in love with Steve Irwin, I was in love with the close-knit family values that were so prevalent in the public eye. He had adventures. He shared them with his wife. He romanced her. I felt it like a physical pain when I tried to see how she must feel, assuming that they had as much love between them as RC and I have, and suddenly losing that would probably have killed me. I loved the new ideas that he brought to light of how to treat animals and creating an institution (Australia Zoo) in which that knowledge can be shared with all and sundry. I loved the fact that there was someone in the public eye who could be so real and passionate about all that he did. Hmm... Reminds me of somebody else.

Disclaimer: I am in no way insinuating that Steve Irwin and Jesus are the same. Simply stating that they both lived in a very real way. I am under no assumptions that Steve Irwin was perfect or sin-less, because come on, none of us are.

(for steve {not irwin}: because we're all guilty of the same things. he he)

Read Me

2007-05-19T15:20:00.000-05:00

One of the most awesome things I have found on the internet recently. Pardon the few naughty words but take the time to read it all. Awesome.

Which hero are you?

2007-05-19T08:13:00.000-05:00

Your Score: Audrey Hanson

You scored 45 Idealism, 29 Nonconformity, 83 Nerdiness

Well, statistically speaking, law enforcement attracts a certain kind of male personality.Congratulaions, you're Audrey! You're a practical hard-worker with a sassy sense of humor. You have a good amount of vunerability behind your tough exterior, but you're still FBI material. Your best quality: Attitude Your worst quality: Attitude

Link: The Heroes Personality Test written by freedomdegrees on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Gross

2007-05-17T14:09:00.000-05:00

So, both of the kiddos have pretty nasty colds right now. Being the amazing mother that I am, I drugged them both and flung their drippy, germ-infested bodies into bed. They are both still hacking away at what is left of their lungs. Which reminds me, I have completely forgotten what I was logging on to post. Oh well.

2007-05-16T07:10:00.000-05:00

I am feeling very lonely right now. I feel like the events of my life are trying to exclude any fun and enjoyment from my life. I am just feeling very excluded from everything.

The latest truck issue

2007-05-08T14:27:00.000-05:00

I never said anything about exactly what happened to the truck, so here it is. We got an oil change about two and a half weeks ago, just after that it started dripping (profusely) and smoking (simply from all of the dripping). So, I took it back to the place that did the oil one week ago on Monday. They showed me where the dripping was coming from and told me it was just coincidence that it happened immediately after they changed my oil. So, since it was the transmission that was doing the leaking, the following day I took it to the shop that rebuilt our transmission in October of '05. They said that they would take a look at it and give me a call as to what was causing the dripping. So, we (mom and I) dropped the truck off at about nine thirty-ish, and I waited and waited and waited for the phone call. Finally, around three thirty I get a phone call.
"Your truck is ready now."
"Ummm... Ok. So what was wrong with it? You were supposed to give me a call to let me know."
"Oh. Um... I didn't realise that. I wasn't the one who talked to you earlier. It was your blah blah blah something that sounds like car blah blah blah."
"Oh, ok, thanks for fixing it."
"So, you can comepick it up anytime. It'll be $$holy$freakin'$moly$$."
"Thanks {muttering under breath}, bye."

So we had to wait until at earliest Friday to pick it up because we had no money. So, mom took me down to pick it up because she was feeling crummy so she didn't go to work. We piddled around in Murfreesboro for a while and then headed home. I needed to get some cat litter but decided at the last minute to just head home instead to put the kids to bed for nap time and then I would go get kitty litter kid-free. So, we are about two and a half to three miles before our exit on the interstate when the truck sort of does a little shimey under me and smoke starts pouring out the back like the floodgates of hell have been opened. I am gradually able to get over to the shoulder and pull of of the road. I get out and the entire passenger side of the truck is covered in some sort of fluid. I look under the truck, it's red. Transmission fluid. What in the world has happened here, I just picked it up from the transmission shop? Praise the heavens, my mom was following me. She also got a generous spattering of transmission fluid on her windshield. She pulled over too, and she has got a cell phone, unlike me, the cell-less. So, we call my sister to get the next door neighbor's phone number, we call our next door neighbor, we call RC. Then I get the bright idea to call the transmission place, since I happen to have a reciept with their phone number on it on my passenger seat. They say they will send a wrecker right out. We wait around, move everything from the truck to my mom's car, the little man christens the side of the road. And then the wrecker gets there. He said that a tube is completely off of it's fittings. It is a transmission fluid tube, and they probably just wiggled it around too much when they were fixing the truck and my driving the truck just made it pop right off. So, the truck went back to the transmission shop, and I go home again truck-less. All in all we were only on the side of the road for about thirty minutes. I got a call not four hours later saying I could pick it up anytime. There was no charge for the tow (good thing, I sure wasn't planning on paying for it). So, Saturday morning, RC and I went out there bright and early at nine o'clock and got our sweet little Green Lantern and brought her back to where she belongs. I fear now that we are going to have to start saving up to get a new car though because guess what, yes, of all things, the transmission is slipping. Again. Go figure. We have put more money into the truck having it fixed than we payed for it.

It is a weekend of milestones.

2007-05-08T14:24:00.000-05:00

On Saturday she sat up on her own for the first time. Yesterday her second tooth broke through the gums.

On Being a Loser

2007-05-03T08:33:00.000-05:00

Why is it whenever I get into situations like this I feel so sorry for myself? Like there aren't any other people out there in the world who have financial problems. I become such a black hole of pity that I don't want to be around people, I don't want to leave the house, I wear old clothes, because by doing these things obviously I am saving money. When there isn't anything coming in to save, all of my actions just sort become, well, stupid. But when you add ontop of that the fact that I haven't got a car to go out and be a person in, I feel even more sorry for myself. And then that yawning chasm of black hole pity goes supernova. An icy blast of pyroclastic anger at my pitiful state ends up errupting out onto anyone I come into contact with because other people have stuff and can do things and I am just stuck in the house with the kids and I am sick of being stuck in the house with the kids and I am angry at them because they find ways to do stuff and I am such a loser that I can't do that because I don't want to ask for help because that means I will owe someone something. I have only just begun to taste a psuedo life, and now the truck again. I am such a loser.

The amazing retentive mini- Mr.

2007-04-16T14:35:00.000-05:00

The little man is starting to really bust out of this conservative shell he has been in since, well... his whole life. He has been playing really rough with my friend's son alot lately. He has gone down a slide on his own, without being prompted to twice now. And he is generally just starting to do great boy things. He is also retaining so much more than I realised possible. He can point out the letters A, B, D, E, I, L, O, P, and T. Sometimes he does a few others, but those are the letters he knows best. He has this whole thing now where if something is laying down it is either asleep (ni-ni) or dead (dead or died). He says dead and died and die very well. Sometimes he is telling me to die, sometimes he is teaching me about dinosaurs and the possible causes for their extinction, such as: he knocked them all over so they are dead. Also now, whenever he sees a bug it gets classified into one of three catergories: bug (buh), spider (the sign that you use in "The Itsy Bitsy Spider"), or dead (dead). Occasionally he classifies other things as blue or pink. Those are the only colors he really seems to have grasped the concept of. But, then again, he also likes to inform me that his poop is fish in the potty.

Oh yes, and two days ago I did something that I hope every mommy gets to do at least once in their life. One of the boy's toys broke so I decided to super glue it back together. A one dollar toy. Super. Glue. It. Back. Together. Yep, you guessed it. I didn't only super glue two of my fingers together (my index and middle finger on my left had), I also super glued my ring finger on my left hand and my thumb on my right hand to the broken piece of toy. A one dollar toy cost me almost a half an hour of soaking my fingers in finger nail polish remover. But thats ok, really, because I did my nails after that.

Developing: In more ways than one

2007-04-02T17:03:00.000-05:00

I have been looking at old photos today to try and figure out what most normal people write down in a baby book. I finally found it though. The little man cut his first tooth on the fourteenth of June in 2004. He was a mere five months old. Now the little lady still hasn't managed to cut any teeth and she is a week and two days away from being ten months old. Another thing that I noticed from the pictures is that X-man's eyes started changing color when he was about two months old. It started with a dot of brownish-green and spread over the next six or so months to make his eyes that incredible hazel that they are now. Little sweet Phoe's eyes still don't seem to be changing. They are much lighter than they used to be, but still a somewhat nondescript dark blue. Something else I have noticed, what an amazing difference using a professional grade camera to a regular point and click there is. I will post a couple of pictures on my photo journal so that you can see the difference.

I'm in training

2007-03-30T14:17:00.000-05:00

About two weeks ago RC and I joined the Y. We figured we are done having kids and so it is time for us to make sure that we aren't taken from them because of a preventable issue we have with our bodies. It has been very tough for me to go on my own. In fact I have only been about four times so far. Once to swim, once for a yoga class, once for my fitness evaluation, and again today for another class. Two of the items I listed I did with someone I know. Apparently I have discovered the reason for my failure at trying to get into shape (any kind of shape). I don't want to do something "alone". Sure, there are other people there, but they don't know me. So today, A had invited me to go to a yoga class with her and L. Last night she called to tell me that her husband's car wasn't working and so she wouldn't have a vehicle to come to work out, and since she was the ride of L, nobody would be there. Aww, poor me. This morning when my alarm went off (yes, my actual alarm clock, not my normal alarm clock of "MMMAAAAAAAMMMAAAAAAA... PEEEEEEEPEEEEEEEE...") I rolled over with dozens of reasons not to go. What if another small catastrophe happens with the little mister? I don't feel like making breakfast. I don't want to dress the kids. I can't use my mom's cell phone, what if the truck breaks down on the way there? RC won't be able to get ahold of me if he needs something. And it all boiled down to me shamefully trying to cover up my one major fear, I'll be alone. I forcefully pushed all of those excuses out of my mind and did it. I was almost fifteen minutes late, but I did it! I dropped my kids off at the nursery on my own! I went to the yoga class alone (with about ten other people)! And then worked out all by myself (with about fifteen other people)! I feel the same elation and triumph right now that an infant who is learning to walk must feel when he takes his first steps. In the book we are working on in small group right now it talks about training versus trying and today I took my first steps toward training. Before, I wasn't even trying, I was ignoring, as fervently as I could. That great religion of ignore, of procrastinate, of excuses, of "I can guide my own destiny". Poo. Hogwash. I am in training now. I will have good times in training, and I will have very difficult times, but I am no longer going to just say I am trying. Yoda said it best when he said "Do or do not, there is no try." Hmm, kind of morphed into something more than just a post about going to the gym there, didn't it?

2007-03-29T16:19:00.000-05:00

The little lady just cut her first tooth three days ago. She screamed forever this morning, and I couldn't figure out what was the matter until I decided to try putting some orajel on her gums and miraculously she stopped crying.

2007-03-11T15:24:00.000-05:00

I do not like vista in the dark.
I do not like vista in a park.
Not on a train.
Not in the rain.
I do not like it with a goat.
I do not like it in a boat.
There is no "wow".
There is no liking here anyhow.

Toilet Letters

2007-02-15T18:03:00.000-06:00

Yesterday the little man was on the potty. He leaned over and pointed at the step stool on the floor.
This is a very precious item to me. We have had this step stool since I was a young girl and I have very fond memories of plying with it. It is a pink stool with the words "Step up to be tall, Step down to be small" all in nice seventies capital lettering.
His finger hit one of the T's. He said "T". His finger jabbed at another T, again he said "T". He continued until he had pointed out all of the T's, then he went on to the E's. I called for RC "Come here right now and see how smart your son is." So He repeated the same performance for daddy. Then I called for Grandma, "Oh yeah," she said, "We were doing that the other day."
Well, even though he didn't suddenly figure out the letters T and E on his own, he retained it from the other day.
I still think he is a smart little kid.

Inspire me

2007-02-15T17:40:00.000-06:00

I am realising lately that I am so blessed to have such great friends. I am also realising that they inspire me in many various ways. I have started doing more crafty things because Little X really seemed to like doing it with a friend of mine when she babysat for me. I have started really desiring time to be alone and work out the kinks (so to say) in my body because of another friend who really really enjoys working out. I have started painting because of yet another friend who makes such beautiful artwork. I have also started doing more graphics work again because of another friend who is getting into that. I felt so inspired to do so many things and yet I am still doing nothing it seems. The little man and I have painted now two days in a row. I have been working on a picture on the computer for about three days now, it still isn't finished though. I have been doing fun crafty things that include the spawn. But why can I not get moving? Why is it those things that involve me sitting in one place I do with great enjoyment, and yet I can't make the time to get out (or even stay in) and get moving? I have been wanting for some time to get back into biking. I even went and got my bicycle out of the storage unit and reinflated the tires. So why can I not ask my mom to watch the kids for fifteen minutes while I cruise the neighborhood? It is a good nieghborhood for biking. A nice big challenging hill and a gentle hill for building good endurance. So, why can't I remember to do it? Or do I choose not to? Am I so at odds with the idea of doing physical work that I completely squash the idea upon birth? One of my friends (the one that is enjoying working out) said it perfectly this afternoon. She was talking about how easy it became for her after she realised that she was finished having kids. I never thought about it, but that was my main road block. After the mini-man was born, I didn't care (well, I cared that I felt big, but I didn't care enough to do something about it). I thought that surely when he gets to an age that he is running around, that was when I would lose weight, because I would be chasing him, right? Wrong. A second child and a bad bout of pneumonia was what helped me lose that baby weight. Now, I feel like I am waiting around for the little lady to be done nursing before I do something. I do not want a lazy family, but what am I doing but creating one by my own inactivity. I want to be kicked in the butt. I want to be inspired more. I want to move and be moved. I want to touch as I have been touched. I want to inspire as I have been inspired.

Buh

2007-01-25T15:41:00.000-06:00

The previous post is from the little lady's point of view.

Yesterday something really neat happened. I was feeding little sweet Phoe, when X-man walks in and points out the window "Buh", "Oh, yes." I say, "Is there a bird outside?". So I lean back and peek out of the wndow, there is but one bird in the yard. A single large bird of prey to be more specific, a Cooper's hawk to be exact. It was calmly chowing down on a dove. Feathers were scattered around in about a five foot area. It was so neat. I took two videos and almost fifty pictures of the spectacle. It made my day.
(pics can be viewed here)

Having chicken parmasean for dinner tonight will make my day today.

Head Banging

2007-01-19T15:28:00.000-06:00

I don't think there are many kids out there who can tell this story:

When I was just seven months old, my mom was giving me a bath just after I had this great big poop. Well, I was a slick little wet baby, and I slid right out of my mom's hands and at the very same instant she slipped on water that was on the floor next to the tub and fell into the tub on top of me bashing our heads together. So, in escence, she dropped me on my head and then fell on my head causing much crying from me, her and my three year old brother standing next to the tub.

And, yes, this is a very true story.
My head still hurts from it.
But I sure wish I had a picture of it.

Updates...

2007-01-18T12:01:00.000-06:00

Right now, the little man is in the kitchen cooking some yummy scrambled rubber stamps and stewing some savory animal magnets.

On a side note, the little lady dances to music now. She loves to sway back and forth to some happening tunes, whether it is Phantom of the Opera or just me humming Phantom music.

Ah, I have been discovered. So I must go before he opens dozens of calculators on the screen.

Blast from the Past

2007-01-16T15:23:00.000-06:00

I was checking to see if I had lost any of my old posts as I have found some other people who have had problems with the switch have. I read through some of my old posts. It is really amazing to look at the person I was back then. I have grown and matured and changed so much that it is really like looking at a stranger. Take for instance this excerp from a post from November of 2004:

"The days of a stay-at-home mom/housewife's life are not always filled with happy smiles whilst one changes poopy diapers. Nor does she particularly enjoy having to clean up every mess, make every meal, and generally cause happiness to shower forth upon the occupants of her abode. In fact, I am certain that sometimes she would personally like to bash in certain young people's heads."

You get the picture. This time around it is so much easier. Maybe it is because I am with my family, maybe it is because we don't have to worry about any sort of house payment, maybe it is because I am not the only wife/mom here now (that sounds really weird, we are not into polygamy). I do miss my MS-ians like crazy and wish that they could see this precious bundle of smiles. But it has seemed like a cakewalk compared to X-man's very young youth.

Blogger Beta

2007-01-14T14:46:00.000-06:00

I am going to be switching to blogger beta, so the general appearance will probably be changing here soon. Hopefully nothing will be lost. Bear with me through these changes.
Thanks.

Christmas Eve

2006-12-26T14:38:00.000-06:00

What a nice calm holiday this has been. The only time I have felt rushed or the need to rush was Christmas Eve. We had spent an enjoyable late morning, midday, and early afternoon with RC's parents. Little man loved tearing open his presents, and the little girl loved crinkling the paper in her beautiful, chubby hands. They recieved quite a bounty of fun from their Nana and Tata. About an hour before we had to go, X had to go potty ( he is doing so well at informing us of impending feces). He perched on the potty like a little bird on a nest, and then leaned back a little. I didn't think anything of that at the time. Then to my horror, the pee pee, it goes not down but out. I grabbed him by the shoulder and tried to tip him forward so no more would leak down the front of the potty and into his nice clean pants, but to no avail, he was done. So I stripped off his soaked pants, put his diaper back on, and calmly informed RC that we had to go get him some pants. Luckily we had just enough time before we needed to be heading home to go quickly purchase unsoiled pants at Wal-Mart. If you have ever braved the terrifying fronts at Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve you would know what I was talking about. This has been such an easy going Christmas season this year, mainly because my side of the family had our gift exchange on Thanksgiving. It has been hassel free. Not to mention the fact that we have been completely broke for the last month or so, so we couldn't get into the rush if we wanted to. Upon making my purchase selections and heading to the check out, I realised why the rest of the store seemed just fine. It was because the entire local population appeared to be out, enforce, just to stand at the cash registers. I sidled up into the twenty items or less lane, and waited. The atmosphere in that place was one of ferociously hectic choas. I felt as if I needed to clear off all of the shelves in the near vicinity to make sure I got everything I needed without forgetting anything. I am so happy, this year wasn't like that in our home. I purchased my three dollar pair of sweats for the boy and high tailed my hinney out of the den of iniquity. The rest of the evening was uneventful, oh yeah, other than the fact that I got my days mixed up and discovered upon pulling into the church building's parking lot that apparently the Christmas Eve service is not at six p.m. Oops.

Jesus Burrito

2006-12-23T10:52:00.000-06:00

1. a theoretical burrito that Jesus Christ makes so hot that even he himself cannot eat it (usually said to be microwaved).
2. any burrito that is so hot that it can't be eaten by a mortal human (although Jesus probably could).
3. A burrito that is so hot it makes you see Jesus.
4. Archaic: A burrito that is so hot that it burns the sin right outta ya.

"Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?" -Homer Simpson

Ouch! That's a Jesus burrito! Es muy caliente!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Jesus+Burrito

Elder

2006-12-20T15:03:00.000-06:00

In two weeks and a day, the eldest of my young 'uns will be three. Hard for me to fathom even more, the fact that I have managed to keep him alive this long.

Today, I was thinking about how much more the he is communicating and developing, so I thought I'd make a list.

If there are any that I have missed post them in the comments. I can't seem to remember everything at this moment. I may have to edit this post later for future posterity.

Things he says with words:

Blanket (sounds more like buhn-da/buhn-dat)
mama/mommy
dada/daddy
baby
papa
buddy
one (wa), two (du), three (tee, sometimes tree), four (fo/vo), five (fi/vi)
choo choo
ball (baw)
diaper (dah-puh)
tea
water (wawa)
juice (dooce)
milk (muh)
apple/apple sauce
spoon (poo)
fork (fuh)
bowl (buh)
bird (buh)
bug (buh)
big (bih sometimes buh)
duh (as in the term that came from in the early/mid-nineties)
no
yeah
help (hep/ep or hup/up)
up (up or puh)
down (dah or dahn)
not
mine (muh)
more (muh)
tattoo (dadoo)
moo (oooo), meow (yeow), arf arf, baa (aahh)

Things he says with signs:

music
juice
chicken
more
milk
banana
peaches
please
thank you
help
hot
cold
big
little
bright

Things he does:

pulls down his pants and removes his underwear/diaper to go potty or get in the tub
pulls his pants up
lines things up (cars, remote controls, plates, cds, tampons) and then points at them triumphantly proclaiming he has made a choo choo
puts on a bib when eating
eats, on his own (sort of)
climbs into, but not out of, his crib
snuggles up in your lap to play baby
pulls his shirt up to "breast feed" his Grinch stuffed animal at his belly button
plays with water faucets, alot
puts on chap-stik and lotion
puts pants on his sisters head
turns on the computer monitor and moves the mouse so the log-in screen comes up
pulls a chair to the counter to see what you are doing on the counter or in the sink
attempts to help with whatever you are doing
gets out a skillet when you tell him that you're making scrambled eggs (in the case of just a couple of days ago, he also got out the eggs and dropped them on the floor, luckily there were only four left)
in the morning he says "mama, down" to request assistance out of bed
he helps put away the clean dishes and knows where most of them (on his level) belong (He is especially good with the silver ware.)
he requests tattoos and points to where he wants them and even gets the dish cloth so I can apply them more speedily even though I have not even made the attempt to head upstairs to get the tattoos, which are in the office
he imitates daddy taking his asthma medications
he requests music as soon as we get in the car, and demands it if it is not eminently forthcoming

Things the little girl does (just so she doesn't feel left out):

gurgles and coos and gagas and goo goos and dadas
says something that sounds like hamburger when she is crying
grabs stuff that is within her reach while sitting up and laying down (including but not limited to the keyboard, my dinner plate, sharp objects like Star Wars toys that are laying around, choking hazards like the tiny plastic dinosaurs that her brother likes to make into soup)
bangs whatever object she is holding on whatever surface is closest to her (be it the floor, the table, the tray on that unsafe walker that we always put her in while she is precariously perched at the top of the stairs)
switches objects back and forth between her hands
swings objects around in mid-air
sits up very well, for long periods of time, without assistance, well, I mean I sit her up, but she stays there on her own
push ups, holding her head high

Things she does not do:

roll over
make me pizza

The closet monster

2006-12-13T07:35:00.000-06:00

Why does it seem like anger is the main theme of my days here lately? I escalate to to rage so quickly, and then it takes for ever for me to calm down. Today the young man in the closet woke up at six thirty. Nothing makes me angrier than being disrupted in my sleep or being bothered when I am sleepy. So since my normal rising time is between eight forty-five and ten thirty, it is understandable that I instantly became a minion of massacre. Right? Well, I am still trying to ignore him back to sleep, and it still isn't working. Just a minute ago I penned an email to RC, reading thus "I am so angry I could split wood with my teeth." The main problem here is that I, myself, am no longer asleep. I got so angry so fast when he woke me up that my pulse started that rageful tattoo in my ears and now I am wide awake. I am glad I got all of that out. Processing it in an organised manner helps so much. Now, I see how irresponsible and unnecessary of an attitude that is. Now I am able to calmly walk into his closet and not tear his head off.

The path less traveled...

2006-12-08T11:01:00.000-06:00

I feel like the repeat button in our life is stuck in the on position. We have been in this place of seemingly destitute status so many times since getting married. I long for things to change. I long for the path less traveled and yet I am stuck in the rut of all of our downfalls.

There are 1,432 people with my name

2006-11-27T17:14:00.000-06:00

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
1,432
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

IN-FREAKING-CREDIBLE

2006-11-26T23:23:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I got to see one of the most amazing theatrical performances available for your viewing pleasure ever. I went with my sister and brother-in-law to see The Lion King. It was the most incredible thing I have ever seen. My favorite people in it, characters who put so much into their roles that it made you enjoy it just because you knew they were enjoying it were young Simba, Scar (frickin' incredible), and the baby elephant (who was on stage a total of about five minutes, but sooooooo adorable). The two bad things about it were that the people next to us went outside to smoke during the intermission, and on arriving home I found out that our daughter had refused to eat the bottle that had been prepared for her over two and a half hours ago. So, that just informs me that I cannot be away from her for five hours at a time.

Sick, as always

2006-11-21T21:14:00.000-06:00

The family is still sick. I am so tired of being sick. I got sick when little Phe first got sick and now that we have gone through her getting better and X-man getting sick, I am still sick. Now he is getting better, and my cough is still just about enough to blow the top of my head off. The past two nights I haven't even been able to lie down to sleep because the mucus gathers and causes me to cough. Lucky for me I have a hug pillow, so I have just been propping myself up on that to get some pseudo restful sleep.

The whole family converges in two days upon this location. A joyous time will be had by all, I assure you. I am really happy about getting to see my oldest sister. I don't see her enough. It makes me sad.

I am happy that the kids have no recollection of our dearly departed. It would make things alot harder than usual. The other day X was eating yogurt, and we would always let Fiona lick out the yogurt container when he finished because it was so cute to see. When he was done he did his normal sign of "all done" and the breifly stated "duh" that I think is "done" (he does also say "duh" though which I feel is one of my greatest accomplishments in life), but then he started wiggling his tongue around in a licking fashion. So I said," What are you doing?", and he said "arf, arf" and licked the air profusely again. I put two and two together and said, "Oh, you want the doggie to lick the yogurt?" and he said yeah. So, I didn't quite know what to do so I just said that the doggie is gone and he forgot about the whole thing three seconds later, but I still sat there, some moisture had suddenly, unexpectedly formed in my eyes and I was having difficulty blinking it away.

Fiona Paulina, 9-02 to 11-17-2006

2006-11-17T22:58:00.000-06:00

My sweet stupid dog ran across the road one too many times today. Poor thing. Who knows how long she laid out there before I found her. Lucky for me she was on the side of the road, and to all appearances was only hit by the one car that easliy broke her neck. She was four years old. I will miss her sweet soulfull gaze most of all.

Fiona Paulina, 9-2002 to 11-17-2006

2006-11-16T01:02:00.000-06:00

I am really feeling the need to put thoughts into coherent order but am having great difficulty doing so.

failure

2006-10-12T14:35:00.000-05:00

Well, around three o'clock this morning the experiment failed. She normally wakes up then, but I just stick the pacifier back in her mouth and she goes right out. Well, I guess she figured that since she wasn't wrapped that meant she should do her morning calisthenics. I laid there listening to her grunt and twitch, thrash and squeek until four, then I threw in the towel and fed her, wrapped her back up, and laid her down. Sad, those seventy six days I thought I had so recently reaquired, gone in one little night. She slept until eight, then woke again with violent protestations of the wrongs of the world. Oh well. Every time you think you are going to get a break, it gets taken away.

Wrapped up

2006-10-11T23:28:00.000-05:00

I am trying an experiment. I wrapped my son into a papoose until he was almost a year and a half old. My daughter is just now four months old and (gasp) I didn't wrap her up before I laid her down tonight. This idea terrifies me. I have always felt that the only way I got sleep with my first child was because he felt so snuggly and comfortable being all wrapped up that if he woke up he instantly passed out again. I have discovered that this is not so true with our daughter. My sweet little Phe instantly breaks out of the wrapping thus making it a pointless practice. She seems perfectly content simply to have a blanket touching her cheek, loves it in fact (to all appearances). I cannot fall asleep without her being asleep already. I suppose this is because I have given birth to the noisiest children in the world. Seriously, X-man spends all day babbling mainly incoherent streams of combined syllables, and little Phe spends the entire time she is not asleep screeching and yelling, in a not entirely unenjoyable fashion, but with great volume none the less. She isn't actually crying, more like telling everybody within a three mile radius that she is here and just wants to make sure no one forgets that fact by continuing it until she falls asleep. So the reason this is an experiment is because RC could sleep through a house being demolished around him so he isn't unduly worried about the fact that a small child is laying at the foot of the bed, volubly protesting that she is being ignored. But alas, in the time it has taken me to type this out I no longer hear any noise, other than the stentorian snores coming from the head of the bed. Yippee! Oh joy! Maybe I won't have to spend so much time trying to wrap her up anymore. That would give me back a whole five minutes or so a day. That is eighteen hundred and twenty five minutes over the course of a year. Man, I feel like I have gained a new life. A whole seventy six day freedom. Can you believe that? I have just taken back from the sweaty, dirty, grimy fingernailed grasp of my child seventy six days of my life! What ever will I do with all this free time now?

I have the Aqua song Barbie Girl stuck in my head... (thanks Joy)

2006-10-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhh... Feeling so way tons better! On Friday I was diagnosed (Oh, that makes it sound really bad. Way to be dramatic!) with strep throat. It made my weekend pretty crummy. Didn't get to see hubby play at church (You know I love to watch you play, Daddy-O!) for fear of contaminating the natives. And I missed what sounded like a really fun time at the Pumpkin Patch, too.

Mine, all MINE!!

2006-09-19T21:29:00.000-05:00

I keep thinking in quotes. Quotes from books. Quotes from movies. It makes me wonder, do I have any words of my own?

2006-09-18T14:48:00.000-05:00

much better now

please pardon the outburst

Rage

2006-09-17T18:52:00.000-05:00

I have experienced lots of rage in my life. It seems it is something that I cannot control. There are many things that can send me over the edge, when I was pregnant there were more things than I could ever even imagine that I grew furious over. Right now, the latest trigger to my displeasure is broken trust (could also be labeled as COMPLETELY IGNORING MY REQUESTS). Why is it that I expect some one who is as imperfect as myself to remember everything that I have said? It seems my rage is baseless now. Never the less, it doesn't make it any less potent.

Screaming and Screaming and the difference between the two...

2006-09-15T14:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my little Phe and her big brother decided to act like horrible monsters that were out to ruin my life by screaming the rest of the day once we attempted to have nap time (which ended up not happening because they were trying to out-do each other seeing who could scream the loudest and longest as if someone was ripping their toenails out with pliers). Today, they seem content to pretend that they are both baby pteradactyls. They are shrieking, yes, but not in an upset manner. It appears they are doing it simply because they can, and they want to drive me insane.

I took them to have their pictures taken this morning for the first time together. To eveything that the nice camera lady said my little (beligerent) man said a loud and definitive "NO" that brooked no arguments. He only cooperated when I promised to ply him with candy until his stomach ruptured.

Bunny, screaming

2006-09-13T09:51:00.000-05:00

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=1102047449

Make sure your volume is not turned up too high. You may blow your speakers.

Costuming

2006-09-01T16:57:00.000-05:00

Beginning work on a Halloween costume today. Not for me but for the sweetest little mermaid in the world. I hope I make it the right size. Not like you can make a big sack-like mermaid costume the wrong size but you mommies know what I mean. Still not sure what the little man will be.

Help me out.

He is two and a half, likes dinosaurs, cars, balloons, and screaming. Has never had a Halloween costume nor has he been trick-or-treating before. And his sister will be a mermaid. Should he match some how? Like maybe be a fisher man? Pirate? Jedi? Jelly fish? Hmmm... The possibilities.

Arm Funk

2006-08-31T16:14:00.000-05:00

The funk on my arm that started on Monday (that I originally thought was ringworm) is some sort of "contact dermatitis". I went to the doctor today because it kept me awake alot last night by being an uncomfortable nuisance (and because it seems to be morphing into something of apocalyptic proportions). The doc said it was probably from Poison Sumac or Poison Oak. The interesting part is that you have to have some sort of contact with said poison trees in order to get it, and considering I seldom go farther than the back garden room... I'll let you ponder that for yourself. It really is becoming quite a pestilential encumbrance. The doc gave me a prescription for a steriod cream to aid in decreasing the itchiness. I will be able to aquire said cream tomorrow, until then I just have to suck it up and use the completely unsuccessful hydrocortisone cream.

Interesting factiod:

Hydrocortisone cream is an anti-pruritic. It is used to stop itching

The definition of prurient:
1. having, inclined to have, or characterized by lascivious or lustful thoughts, desires, etc.
2. causing lasciviousness or lust.
3. having a restless desire or longing.

So does that mean that I have a lustful rash on my forearm? Thus I should put anti-lust cream on it? And if I am a prude should I use an extra amount to be sure the lascivious rash doesn't threaten my propriety?

I know pruritic means itchy, I was just being silly.

Anti-Social

2006-08-30T13:49:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking lately about how anti-social I tend to be. I think that this has been prominently in my mind since watching What about Bob?. Watching it made me realize that maybe, just maybe I am actually not anti-social, maybe I actually have some sort of mental disorder that makes it not possible for me to be comfortable around people who are outside of a home. I never make any sort of effort to talk to people. I try to stay at home as much as possible ( mainly because I don't like to go out, that requires getting out of p.j.'s and making sure one doesn't have bed hair, not to mention getting the kinner into a socially acceptable state). I have so many good and viable reasons to stay at home, to not talk to people who I don't know, to keep my children as far away from others as possible. Why in the world should I be social? I mean, there are a few select people who I really enjoy being around and getting to know better, but outside of them I don't really care. I feel like some sort of horrible troll hiding away in my cave and if anyone gets to close I have to slam the cave door (some caves can have doors) to make sure no one will see inside. Yeah, I think there is something wrong with me.

Speech impairment...

2006-08-24T14:49:00.000-05:00

X-man went to the Doc’s for a normal “well baby” check up today. He is thirty six pounds, eight ounces; and three feet, three inches tall. She suggested that I need to take him to a speech therapist. I don’t particularly know that that is necessary, but I kind of want him to talk like a typical two and a half year old. So what I am saying is that I can’t decide if I want to go ahead and accept the appointment they are going to make for him, or if I should cancel it completely. I know boys develop more slowly that girls, but I can’t help but wish that my child was as verbally adept as all the others his age (and a lot that are younger than him {there was a boy waiting in the doc's office, his mom said he would turn two in two moths, and he could say pretzle, PRETZLE!!! My kid hasn't even made it to "p" words yet}). It makes me feel inadequate. Like I haven't done a good enough job of trying to teach him to talk. I mean, I myself stutter rather often and mangle phrases and words that I know how to say, it is just that my toungue doesn't want to cooperate. So maybe I am the one that needs to see to speech therapist. I seek the advise of my peers...

hmmm...

2006-08-19T18:22:00.000-05:00

First giggle, exactly one week ago. It made my insides go flip-flop.

A freind of mine brought up some very thought provoking questions this past Wednesday. It mainly had to do with how my time is spent in relationship to how time should be spent. The one that I really had trouble figuring out any kind of answer to was one that asked what my goals are. I honestly have no clue. How can I have goals when I don't really look past today, much less ten years from now? I am trying so hard just to "get through" life that I have not even attempted to find something to look forward to. Right now, the only thing I have to look forward to is when the little man will stop whining because he is in time out.

2006-08-12T20:37:00.000-05:00

Feeling much better now. Just have a raw nose now.

Sick, AGAIN...

2006-08-10T20:00:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have been squashed through a garlic press and sauteed to a fine caramelized stage (yes, I have been watching America's Test Kitchen with RC far too much). I suddenly developed a head cold today at about one or two p.m., and it has been kicking my butt ever since. I can't believe how quickly this snuck up on me. All yesterday I felt fine, last night (during my wonderful shower) I felt fine, this morning I felt fine. Why? How? I never knew that it could happen this suddenly. I feel positively abominable. I love the conviniences of modern day science, that I can sit here in my bed, eating pizza while on my husband's laptop and complain to the world (or whoever reads this) about this loathsome head cold is absolutely priceless to me.

In other news...

I had a wonderful shower last night, thrown for me and my new daughter by our small groups. She got lots of beautiful, useful gifts from all of our friends. I also went to a children's consignment sale today (and used up an entire package and a bit of the pocket packs of kleenex) and bought some good winter clothes for the kids. I felt horrid while I was there, so I didn't do as much looking as I would like to have done.

I tell you what, as much as I like this modern day convinience, I keep hitting the touch pad button instead of the space bar. It is somewhat disturbing.

Free!!!

2006-08-06T16:15:00.000-05:00

So, I got the tags the very next day, after much driving back and forth between the bank and the buy-your-tags place (whatever it is called). I then went and bought dog food (YaY!), and got my hair cut (again, YaY!). Then I went to Target, but when I got off of the interstate it started pouring down rain. So, I ended up sitting in the truck for fifteen minutes waiting for it to blow over since I didn't have my umbrella, and I wasn't about tp try to haul two kids through that down pour. Then I went home. That is all there was to that exciting day.
I am practically becoming an expert on breast feeding in public! Next time you see me at Wal-mart, I'll probably be walking around with my little sweet feet attached at the bosom. Yeah, that was pretty gross.
I am so happy to be pain-free now. It was so tedious, not being able to breathe with out pain. I hope I never again take something so simple and routine for granted again. Unfortunatly, I know that I am bound to.
I realised today while emailing someone that I haven't got many photos of "the new one" up over here. I will try to remedy that soon. I do have wonderful gory photos up though.

The latest...

2006-08-03T15:42:00.000-05:00

License plates are expired. No money for new tags. Feel caged. Need to get out.

In other news, the little man now can say diaper (daaaaaaaaaaai-puh), tea, two (while he holds up his two cute little fingers), and he has also learned how to disarm nuclear missiles (not really, I wish, but yesterday he did help to mix up the pancake batter). He also kisses and hugs on his little sister so much it is almost bothersome. When ever she starts crying he crosses his arms and violently shakes them back and forth and then forcefully jabs his finger in her direction several times as if to say (with out making any noise at all) "Lady, can't you hear that kid. Go shut her up!" Either that, or he looks at her scowls and says in this un-earthly nerve wracking voice "nyu-oh". Yes, that would be the two year old version of "Shut your bloomin' pie hole". All in all it is not very surprising that he does that, since that is what we say to the dogs when they make any sort of noise. He also says it to the dogs, but normally just when they are in his way. He accompanies that vocal order with a sweep of his hand as if it were a plane taking flight, as if to let them know exactly what he wants them to do.

2006-07-27T15:06:00.000-05:00

Woo-Hoo!! I'm cured!!! No more pain (well, for the most part anyway)! No more forgetting to take pain managment medication! Yippee!!!!

Star Wars on Earth

2006-07-17T11:53:00.000-05:00

Just saw this on dooce.com. It is really cool.

Star Wars on Earth

Pros and Cons of Life

2006-07-15T14:50:00.000-05:00

Went to the doc on Tuesday. Still have fluid on my right lung. Still have pleurisy (I finally learned how to spell it, I think). Still have bad pain in my right shoulder.

On the bright side: everyone thinks that my fingernails look great (although they often cause me to type an extra letter that I don't mean to hit), everyone has complimented me on my hair
(which I once again hacked off recently), everyone has complimented me on my trimmer figure (which I think is entirely due to a. having a baby and b. being so sick for so long).

So although there are lots of crappy things happening in life right now, there are equally as many good things happening. So yay for life right now!

Still not 100%

2006-07-10T13:25:00.000-05:00

Well, since my last post alot more has happened. I did not call the doctor like I said I was going to, but instead ended up going to the ER, again. When I woke up that morning I was in such excruciating pain that I couldn't breath at all without shrieking (literally) my agony to the world. So, to the ER it was. After spending four hours in the ER, being poked with needles twice, and having four more chest x-rays, I was diagnosed as having developed plurasy in the lower part of both lungs and my right lung still contained lots of fluid left over from the pneumonia. I have a follow up visit sheduled for tomorrow at two fifteen. Hopefully the fluid will be gone and then I will only have to deal with the plurasy till it decides to go away. Hopefully it won't be like the plurasy I have in the middle of my chest that recurs about once every three months.
Oh Man, my daughter is beautiful! I am just sitting here watching her sleep, admiring how georgeous she is. Even through all the baby acne she is still beautiful.
Oh, yeah, the little man can now say ice. Although it comes out more like "ish" with the long "i" sound. It is so cute, I just have to give it to him. He has also perfected the "I love you" sign. He can be so sweet sometimes. And yet, he is definitely suffering from the terrible two's. He can be so contrary and almost despicable now.

Sick

2006-07-04T22:58:00.000-05:00

It has been almost one month since I gave birth to my sweet daughter, and boy has alot happened. Not this past Sunday but the one before I went back to the hospital, the emergency room to be exact. My blood pressure was at 64 over 41. I had pneumonia really bad in both lungs. After a miserable four days in the hospital they deemed me well enough to re-enter the world. In my mind the thing that sucks the most about all that is that I was just starting to really figure out the whole breast feeding thing, and suddenly I couldn't feed her, not only that but I have to pump and dump my milk until this coming Thursday. Talk about feeling wasteful. Well, everything seemed to be hunky dory up until yesterday. My right side started hurting yesterday, not my muscles, but something deeper. It hurts to cough, sneeze, burp, and hiccup, not to mention that if I inhale too deeply it hurts and if I move in a certain way (pretty much any way other than still) it hurts. Now today, my left side hurts, too, only much much worse than my right side. I am calling the doctor tomorrow. Hopefully it is just my lungs trying to heal. I don't think I can stand anymore time in the hospital. I wish I could just feel normal again. And on top of all that, my birthday is this coming Sunday, I will be nineteen for the sixth time. I don't really like celebrating it anymore. I just feel like everything is going too fast now, that is why I prefer to stay nineteen. Everything was so much simpler then.

IT'S A GIRL!!!

2006-06-11T18:19:00.000-05:00

Phoenix Christian, born 6/11/06 at 12:54PM. She weighed 7lbs 10oz measuring 19" long.

Still Pregnant...

2006-06-09T08:45:00.000-05:00

Doctor appoinment on Wednesday yielded no change. Due date was yesterday. Despondency trying to creep in. Fighting it as hard as I can.

6-6-06

2006-06-06T07:48:00.000-05:00

Well, the day of evil has fallen on us. I know it is just like every other day. But, today I have this sinking feeling of certainty everything is going to be fine. Ok, so it isn't really a sinking sense, more like an uplifting sense. I feel more at peace today than I have in a while. I am disappointed that I have not given birth yet. And I am disappointed in certain health care providers (COBRA and UnitedHealthCare and the benefits coordinator at RC's place of employment, just to drop a few names) for dropping the ball and leaving us insurance-less in this time so close to the birth of our second child. I feel no stress over the situation, which is really odd, and RC can attest to that. It used to be that if anything went wrong I would flip out in the most irrational ways (ok, so I am not saying I don't do this at all anymore, I just know I do it way less than I did). I feel like everything is really going to be just peachy.

Death

2006-06-01T13:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, there was a bird flopping around in the yard. I thought it was just learning to fly, so I brought the little X-man over to investigate. No, it wasn't trying to fly, it was merely thrashing about in the throes of death. So,we backed off until it stopped (removing it from the unwanted attentions of The Muttly first, of course, with gloves on). Then I gave it a decent burial in the trash. Never have Wal-Mart bags felt so revered as when they were wrapped around the little dead starling from our back yard. Then today on Mr. Roger's what did they talk about? Dying! I thought that was rather humorous with the fact that we did something yesterday, with me trying to explain to him about dying, and today we went through it all again. And do you know what kicked off the whole discussion on it? Mr. McFeely found a dead bird! Isn't that ironic? It's like I am living out the re-runs of Mr. Roger's before they happen.

2006-06-01T09:23:00.000-05:00

I feel so discouraged today. I can't wait for small group tonight, I really need it.

2006-05-31T13:19:00.000-05:00

No change. Nothing what so ever.

Somewhat Dissappointed

2006-05-27T16:16:00.000-05:00

After having waited breathlessly the opening of X-Men 3: The Final Stand I am left with the somewhat acrid and bitter taste of dissappointment in my mouth. I have been a fan of X-Men ever since I was a young girl watching the cartoon on television (Note to comic book purists: I know the cartoon was not exactly like the comic book, but you have to just take a peek from my point of view). Each and every day I rushed into the house from the bus, flipped on the television and sat entranced, enraptured from the first strains of music to the ending credits an adventure later (granted it was only a half an hour adventure but it was an adventure for me none the less). I recall especially loving what is known as "The Dark Phoenix Saga". I loved the passion and fury, the pain and sacrifice. BUT... I loved it as an alien entity chased across the endless wastes of space and time by none other than Charles Xavier's good friend (nudge, nudge, wink, wink), Lilandra, of the something-or-other alien race that inhabited the something-or-other system of planets. I loved, no no no listen to me, I LOVED the idea of such a being that was able to do what it did, not the idea of multiple personalities. I LOVED that it felt humble Jean Grey was the perfect host. I LOVED that it discovered how love felt through occupying Jean's body with her whirldwind of passions toward two very different men. I LOVED (spoiler, do not continue reading if you are not going to the movie until tomorrow night) that nobody ever died throughout the whole saga. Well, I am sure somebody died, but it wasn't the specific people who died in this big screen version, definitely. I guess this is a scenario like what happened with Dungeons and Dragons the movie: You really should not judge a movie by it's cartoon, much like one of my other favorite phrases, you shouldn't judge a book by it's movie (or is that backward). I don't know that it is possible to list all of the dissappointing movies that I have seen because I had read the book, more so lately than earlier in life becasue of the massive amounts of books-to-big-screen that are happening now. But, one particular epic saga of massive proprtions had always stuck out in my mind as something that I wanted to see turned into a motion picture, The Dark Phoenix Saga. I am happy to have seen it, but I will always treasure what I feel is the better one in my heart.

2006-05-25T09:18:00.000-05:00

Since the last "update" type of post concerning the little man, he can also now:

say bear (which coms out more like bey-yah)
say ball (which comes out more like ba-aw)
say yeah (no, not yes, but we are working on that)
say nah (again, not no, but we are working on that too)
shake his head or nod his head when asked yes or no questions
push the tape (VHS) into the player (even though he isn't supposed to)
DRAW (well, you know, it is really just scribbling but it looks like artwork to me)
open medication bottles

I know these are way more important than things like, oh, say... um... ok, well, maybe there isn't anything more important than these.

Sleep Issues

2006-05-25T09:06:00.000-05:00

So today, I am up early. This isn't an unusual occurance any longer simply because the back pain I have from sleeping on an old uncomfortable mattress while being thirty eight weeks pregnant is getting to be pretty routine now. I haven't been sleeping alot lately either, because of said uncomfortable mattress and said thirty eight weeks of pregnancy. I toss and turn most of the night, dragging my down bolster back and forth in order to keep myself propped up in a semi-comfortable position. If any of you don't know what a bolster is, you will be happy to know it is a long, tubular shaped pillow. This also means that as I am thrashing about in the throes of uncomfortable-ness, I am whacking RC liberally about the head, neck and shoulders (not to mention other sundry body parts) with said bolster. I am amazed at it, as always, that he manages to remain asleep throughout all of my nocturnal thrashings. Which only goes to further prove my theory that he actually dies at night.

2006-05-22T16:33:00.000-05:00

A letter I sent to a recently rediscovered aquaintance from high school:

I am at 38 weeks. I love being pregnant, too, it is just the whole can't-sleep-through-the-night-because-of-back-pain issue and dealing with a cranky two year old during the day that I don't like. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, but boy they weren't kidding when they named it "the terrible twos". Luckily, I don't have to worry about panty hose, being a stay-at-home mom for the last two years has given me little time to do anything that requires me to get dressy. The nicest I ever look is on Sunday when I make sure I put on a *clean shirt with my blue jeans. I feel sorry for my husband. We have been married for almost 5 and a half years and I never dress up for him anymore. When we first got married I always tried to dress so that I would turn his head, now he is lucky if I change out of my p.j.'s during the day. Sorry, that is probably way more info than you wanted, but I get kind of chatty when have spent the whole day with a child who has only just begun to grasp the fine art of speech.

Oh yeah and I went to the doc's today and...

ta-da! I am dilated one and a half centimeters!!!

But I can't go into labor before Friday night at about nine o'clock, because that is about when X-Men 3: The Final Stand will be over. We already have tickets and they are non-refundable, so it just can't happen before then.

I know what I want for Christmas...

2006-05-18T13:49:00.000-05:00

It has been confirmed that Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess will be out by the fourth quarter holidays of 2006. I know what I want for Christmas...

2006-05-17T11:05:00.000-05:00

To say I have a pain in my back would be a gross understatement.

Six years ago today...

2006-05-05T14:18:00.000-05:00

Today six years ago, I met my husband for the first time in person. We had already ben talking for some time through various instant messenger programs. But today, Cinco de Mayo of two thousand, was the day I met him face to face. I can still recall my first thoughts being something like "Wow, he is wearing the shirt from the photo he emailed me." And then instantly "Man, could he have glasses that were any bigger?" I was with my friend Ashley (whom RC had actually asked out, but she was too afraid to go out with someone who she had never met so she begged me to come to protect her from worse than death), we were headed to see a very non-first date movie, U-571. I tried as hard as I could to flirt as much as I could with this man whom I knew little about other than the fact that he claimed to give four hundred dollar massages (well, duh, I wanted a massage). After the movie we went to Ci Ci's and I ate two slices of pizza (I am just not good at buffets). RC went back to refill his plate about six times. It was a night that I will hopefully remember forever, mainly because of how absolutely pure and innocent it was.

In keeping with tradition, RC and I still communicate mostly either through IM's or e-mail. Here is the email that was sent back and forth today:
__________
HAPPY ANIMAVERSIRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RC
__________
Thank you! Happy Meet-aversary to you too! I love you! I am so glad you didn’t turn out to be a psycho that likes to gut 18 year olds and dance on their mangled bodies to the tune of “Heeeeeeeyyyyyyy Macarena! Aahh –ah!” I will see you tonight.
Deba

I know. We are disgusting in our sweetness, aren't we?!

Since I haven't really done an updates sort of post lately...

2006-05-04T16:35:00.000-05:00

Since I haven't really done an updates sort of post lately...

The little X-man can now do all of these things:

Say "poop" in sign language (obviously the most important sign).
Say more, all done, dog, hot, cold, banana, cracker, raisin, peaches, juice, water, milk, "I love you", please, thank you, and Grandma all in sign. (I know there are more, but I can't remember them. A good mom, yeah right.)
Say mama, dada, buddy (one of the dogs, which actually comes out more like bud-dah), papa (my father) and boo-boo with his MOUTH!!! Real words, coming out of my boy, oh I am so proud (except for when he won't stop saying mama... mama... mama... mama. Yeah, see, it gets annoying.)
Push a chair over to the sink to wash his hands, and climb up onto the chair without any help.
Open doors (not a good thing, but a milestone none the less).
Climb up onto my bed without any help.
Program the timer on the cd player so that it starts playing music at about four p.m. (still don't know how he did that).
Wave bye-bye when I flush his poop.
Points to his diaper whenever he pees or poops.
When he lays in bed with us, he pulls the sheets up to his arpits and dramatically flings his arms onto the sheet.
Chases birds (not to get them to leave the yard, but sneakily in a way that eerily reminds me of the book Incident at Hawk's Hill).
Goes to time out on command.
Knocks on closed doors (which is pretty much every door in the house), but we have to remind him that he can't open the door immediately after knocking.
When you tell him it is time for a bath, he instantly tries to tear off his shirt, and then he grunts alot and gets frustrated and starts whining because he can't get it off.
He knows he needs socks before he can put on shoes.
He knows the difference between his shoes and his sandals.
He knows the difference between my shoes and RC's shoes.
He knows how to turn on the TV and the stereo.
He knows he is in trouble when he does above items, because he runs.
He knows how to play cute when he is doing something he isn't supposed to be doing.
He points at his boogers when I blow his nose and says (in a very long drawn out fashion) "Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww".
He points at people when they fart and makes a really surprised look that says "You weren't supposed to do that".
He points at his diaper when he farts and makes a really surprised look that says... you get the point..
But most importantly of all, he has finally learned to sit down in the bathtub!!!!