Change
So, I was thinking of how people change when they don't even realize it. Actually, I wasn't I just needed to post something out of guilt for those of you who check my blog daily and don't see any changes. So, I forced myself to think of something that might be slightly interesting to you. When RC and I got married, I loved doing the whole housewife thing, washing dishes, making spaghetti (because that was the only thing I knew how to make), doing laundry, making the bed, and cleaning and decorating our cute little apartment on a regular basis. I even cleaned the litter box for my sweet little Sticky on a daily basis. Oh yeah, and those gigantic fish and snake tanks we had, I really loved cleaning and decorating them, too. Actually the entire time we lived there I loved being the good little wifey, even when I had a job and was making more than RC at that one point. I recall being relatively patient (correct me if am wrong, RC), I was a real romantic (like lighting candles, giving RC hot baths, etc.), I was very forgiving, and I almost remember being way more in touch with God than I am now. Now it seems like all I do is complain. I hardly ever do the dishes or laundry, I never make the bed or decorate (heaven forbid), Sticky's litter box gets cleaned out once a week (if that). I have really let go. The catalyst that created the shlup that I am now was one specific event, moving to MS. It is true. I just don't care about anything with my family being so far away. I know I am not going to have regular visitors like we did then, because then we lived right in the middle of the mix, now we are living in a cow field! I have let so much stuff go, simply because I don't see any reason to make it otherwise. I snap at RC at the smallest thing. The cat stays locked in his room most of the time. Luckily, I don't have to deal with the fish or the snakes anymore (at least not snakes that I want to keep, some of you may recall the cotton mouth incident). But like that little phrase I just used in the last sentence, "deal with it", that is my take on everything, and when I started saying I don't want to deal with my son, I knew something is wrong there. A child isn't something you "deal" with, a child is someone who is completely dependent on you, someone who trusts you, who loves you, not someone to be complacent about. A child is not "dealt with", a child needs to be treated with love. It took me several months after giving birth to even discover my love for my son. At first all I felt was bitterness and resentment. I felt that it was all his fault, I thought RC found me repulsive, I found myself repulsive. So a fault was created, even though the blame lay on no one. This is a child created by love, in the bonds of holy matrimony, and I was angry at him. So, I resented him and all that he had done to me. I didn't want to do anything that involved me being near my son. It took months of failed breast feeding to realize that I actually cared about this little guy. It was when I stopped trying to feed him myself that the real bond was created. I started getting more sleep, so I had more energy to "deal with" the day and all it held. I started to get time for myself, because I wasn't taking naps all day. I reclaimed a little bit of my identity, almost. And then one day, it hit me like a semi. I was actually in love with my son. It snuck up on me so suddenly that I was completely overwhelmed, and all I did for like a week was cry, I cried when he looked at me, I cried when I looked at him, I cried when I fed him, I cried when I tried to coax him to roll over. Once I discovered that love, my identity disappeared again. I was no longer "girl trying to act like a mom", nor was I "girl trying to be a good wife", suddenly I was mom and wife. Somehow I had been trying to keep those things separate, but now I realized I could be both. RC always calls me "Super Mom" now, which I guess that means I am doing pretty good now, but it was a rough road. My old identity is gone, my new one seems firmly cemented in place. That is the kind of change I was talking about. The kind that sneaks up so gradually that you didn't even realize it was happening. I have started doing the dishes regularly, I even clean the litter box more often. The reason I had always done those things before was to show how much I care about this family in our home, whether it is in TN or MS, and now the family I do it for is larger than it was at first but the love for them hasn't divided, it has multiplied. I want to make the house an enjoyable place to live in, not an enjoyable place for all of my fashionable friends to ooh and ahh at when they see it (that would never happen any way because this is definitely not an ooh-worthy house). But anyway, I think that I forgot the purpose of this post.
posted by Jedi Master Deba Sing @ 10:54 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I think the purpose of the post was to let us know that you were still alive and not some random eletronic response that we got when we attempted to talk to you.... and it worked.... change.. change is good... and you do have family here whether you like it or not, we are family... and we may not oh and ah over your house (unless you want us to) and we may not just stop by when we are in the neighborhood (cuz lets face it we are hardly ever just in your neighborhood unless it is to see you) but we still love you just as much as your family and cool TN friends... okay! see ya tonight... :)
Hey Debra! Enjoying your blog!
Your cool TN friend,
-Paul
p.s. - I think you might be watching too much anime. ;-)
http://www.livejournal.com/users/zionred/
ok. i just got so caught up in reading your blog that i didn't realize until now that your blog is fixed now!! :D i love you debra! i do consider you family. Isn't it satifying to realize you've changed and it's a good thing? hugs to you and the squish.
Post a Comment
<< Home