a response
Sometimes when you take the time to think about something you cannot deny it is true. Sometimes also you realise that you are a one point in your life where you really crave having relationships with people who have built up walls so high and so thick that there is no chance of breaking through even if you knew how. Life is too short to go through it with no one who really knows you. People have so much to offer, but in this age of "I want it right now and I want it to feel good and make me happy", being vulnerable and getting to know someone is next to impossible if both parties are not open and brutally honest. Brutally honest in this point not meaning being rude because there is some inconsequentiality that you dislike, but by sharing your whole heart, the mushy gross chewed up gum of your lives that everyone wants to hide away. And then there is the other side of it, with it being easier to be open and honest with the people you choose and not the people that life has chosen for you. I am open to anything.
And the whole world doesn't read this blog, just the people who want to get to know me or know me and all of my struggles already.
Can't sleep...
I can't seem to sleep tonight so maybe clearing my brain will help. Right now I am rolling alot of things around that I can't seem to get over. I keep giving them to God, but then immediately taking them back. Maybe processing them here will help me out.
I feel like if you pretend something didn't happen it will come back and get you later. If you have had an issue with someone or someone with you, and you just sweep it under the rug eventually there is going to be a big elephant sized lump under your rug. Instead of not thinking about it, you should make every effort to make yourself understood or to try to understand where the other person is coming from. I don't understand why people cannot be honest with the people they love. And honestly, if you feel like you are a Christian, aren't you called to love everyone? Why do we make up stories in order to feel less pressure? If we messed something up, or know something that would help someone else out, just admit to it. Is it so difficult for us to let go of our own personal image to attempt to follow in Christ's footsteps? I suppose what I am trying to say is why do we feel like we have to protect ourselves from everyone? I know I am guilty of this. But I so desire to live out loud. I crave relationships that mean something. My family has a nasty habit of being shallow. We have fabulous conversations about the weather and the condition of the yard and how all of the kids are doing, but there is no deeper level. I want to feel like a family, not co-workers. I crave deep intimacy with those I love the most, but when you have been doing something for so long in one way it is so very difficult to change the way you are doing it. Why have we always protected ourselves? Why did we always put that wall up? And if we claim to be "Christ followers" how can we follow Him without putting ourselves out there? Vulnerability is next to impossible to do around people who have walls up.
For so long, I have thought that by forming deep and personal relationships I will have people who can help me through life. By studying and sharing with other believers I will be able to follow Christ better. Yesterday, Pastor Jamie spoke on servant hood, if you can summarize all that he said into one word, that is. This isn't something that I had put much thought into. Over and over again it is talked about in the scriptures. Why didn't I ever see it? We
have to serve. It is part of what God wants for us. If this were a perfect world, and everyone of us loved as genuinely as we are called to, wouldn't we crave the life of a servant? When RC says I really like this food or doing this makes me happy, I want to make that food or do those things for him. I love him so much and want to show him in whatever meager daily ways that I do. I want to serve him simply to show him that I love him. When the little man isn't listening to me or is disobeying me, I have to correct him and generally punish him as well for doing something he isn't supposed to be doing. I want him to show me he loves me by obeying the rules we have set up for our home. Aren't those ways of serving? Yes, but there is also, you know, an entire world out there that we have been called to love. We have confined our lives to a tiny little box for ease of convenience. God wants me to show Him that I love Him by obeying His commands, not because He is some tyrannical deity who has lost touch with humanity, or even because He is a neglectful father figure who simply doesn't care how He treats others so long as they do everything that pleases Him and laughs as He causes misfortune among the masses. He loves me like a bride. He cherishes my heart as His own. Just as I want RC to delight in the things I do for him, I want God to delight in the things I try (and often fail) doing for Him. Just as I want the mini-man to listen to me and obey our rules because I love him and I want to see him obey because he loves me and shows it by listening to me, God wants the exact same thing from me, from everyone who calls them self a follower of Christ. So often this is lost. Yes, God will love me no matter what I do to screw it up. I would like to pretend also that I am fully capable of doing all these fabulous things, you know the whole listening and showing love and obeying, but I have to be honest, I screw things up simply because I am human. God gave us our free will so we could fall in love with Him without being forced to. He wants that more than anything. But just as you have to put effort into your marriage, into your parenting, into all relationships in your life, you have to put forth the effort to follow Him.
The amazing missing me...
I don't know if any of you have noticed but there has been an extreme lack of "me" talk. Considering that this is my blog and I created it for the purpose of, well, to be perfectly honest, I was bending to the persuasion of the masses, but I would like to think that it was formed to be an outlet for my personal thoughts. Granted the first posts that I made here were about how annoyed I was with a ten month old who didn't want to eat, I would like to think that I have grown a certain amount since then, and can share more about my personal life than the eating habits of my children. In talking about yourself you gain amazing perspective on how other people view you. In my small group (I am not calling it a village), we have had the recent assignment of telling our own stories, individually not as couples seeing as the group consists of four couples. The purpose of this
exercise is to be able to know each other better. RC had first go last Wednesday. My turn was last night. I had somewhat prepared (by printing out the two emails in which I talked about my past in any great detail). I was terrified to do this. Everyone said last night that I did really well, but my face felt like it was on fire the whole time. I don't regret anything that has happened in my life, because that is just a waste of time. Instead, I have tried to learn from all of the good and the bad that has occurred. If any one of the things that has happened in my life did not occur I would not be the person I am today. Granted I am no example of how to live a perfect life, I have just been pondering change and how it is applicable in
every one's lives. One of the things that struck me as a youth (a senior in high school to be exact), I had just been voted most unique in my class. When I came home to tell my family, my second oldest sister said "Yeah, you're unique, just like everyone else on this earth." All of us are unique. All of us have travelled different roads and are in different places in our personal journeys. But the best thing about this journey of mine is that I am not alone.
